The last month or so has been a struggle. I love Chicago and still find myself dumbstruck on a daily basis that I’m actually here, but it has really been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some days, I feel incredibly blessed, full of joy, and overflowing with excitement about life, and other days, I feel utterly lost and alone and don’t know what the hell I am doing. Sometimes I feel so unseen and insignificant here.
I’ve finished up my 12 weeks of nutrition coaching, so that leaves me at a fork in the road. I had a difficult conversation with my coach about the patterns she’s observed in me over the three 12 week cycles that we have worked together for during the past year or so. I start off incredibly motivated and diligent with a goal to get leaner and improve performance. I start to lose focus about 4 weeks in. After 6 weeks, I usually go off the reservation for a week or two, generally citing circumstances like business travel or social events for why I was set back, and then inevitably around the 8 week mark, I decide that I don’t want to get leaner any more, I want to focus on building mass and getting stronger. So basically, my compliance, and consequently my results, are marginal at best at the end of each 12 week cycle.
Story of my life. I am incredibly cyclical. I will be a homebody for a month, then for a couple of weeks, I’m out doing something almost every night of the week. Then I get drained and worn out, so I switch back to homebody mode. I go through phases of wanting to be really good at CrossFit, phases of being disenchanted with CrossFit and missing bodybuilding, of toying with the idea of competing again, and then reaffirming my love for CrossFit. It’s the same with dating – I go through phases of enjoying the fun of dating, and then I get bored or hurt or frustrated and decide it’s too much of a hassle and just want to be single. For a while, I will feel like I need to take everything more seriously – work, training, church. Then I will decide that I’m stressing out too much and need to relax and have fun. I find that I am this way with my faith too. Sometimes, it runs my life, and other times it takes a backseat. Lately, I find myself questioning whether the things I have come to believe are even true at all.
The problem with this is I feel like I am always chasing happiness/satisfaction. I sometimes catch it, but it is fleeting – an ever-moving target. The thing that made me happy a few weeks ago may be the same thing making my life miserable this week, whether it’s a diet or a person or a goal.
It also means that I don’t have a strong sense of self. Am I the disciplined bikini competitor who eats cod and asparagus, the WOD killer who loves her bacon and grass-fed steak, or the lush who gets down on some deep dish pizza and a few pints of Guinness? Maybe I’m all of them. Maybe I’m none of them.
Lately, my life feels like a road trip to an unknown destination with a car full of different personalities who are all constantly fighting to be in the driver’s seat. At the moment, I find myself at a complete loss on the route to take or even the destination I should be moving toward.
Hopefully, at some point soon, I will figure that out, but right now it feels like I am stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with a flat, no cell phone reception, and none of my car full of personalities has AAA or knows how to change a tire.